


loving you is a losing game

by tkreyesevandiaz



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, Emotional Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, I Don't Even Know, Introspection, M/M, Mentioned Evan "Buck" Buckley, POV Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Poetic, Pre-Relationship Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, flowery words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:46:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28477881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tkreyesevandiaz/pseuds/tkreyesevandiaz
Summary: He'd promised himself this one thing.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 11
Kudos: 69





	loving you is a losing game

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure what this is but I hope you enjoy it? There is no comfort in this, at all. It's not too angsty, but it's definitely emotional hurt. I was restless...so he's restless.
> 
> Title from Duncan Laurence's "Arcade"
> 
> Happy New Year, y'all <3 I hope you have a great one :)

He’d promised himself this one thing.

It’s taken too many missed chances, too many fleeting moments of everything and nothing in between, too many almosts, too many should-haves. Too many moments where Eddie could have reached forward and taken what’s belonged to them this whole time, and didn't.

There's also been too many occasions of love lost in their line of work, too many moments of people losing loved ones. Eddie's one of those, too. He's watched his wife bleed out on a random sidewalk in broad daylight, with so many regrets that he doesn't know what to do with them half the time. 

And so he’d promised himself that he’d take his chance. He’d step that half-step between platonic and romantic and keep Buck close, in his orbit. Because Buck has had multiple opportunities over the past few years where Eddie’s slipped in ample openings between them, testing the line, and he hasn’t taken any of them.

So it makes sense that it be Eddie. Buck takes his cues from him, and if Eddie were to breath one letter of  _ I love you _ in his direction, he’d immediately catch on without needing the rest of them.

But Eddie thinks that Buck deserves better than that. He deserves the words said to him with all the conviction of the world propping them up, and no matter how difficult it may be, Eddie’s determined to cross the line in no other manner.

The line that seems flexible, elastic, bending to their will without breaking. They’ve pushed and pulled into territory that probably wasn’t theirs to begin with, always snapping back into their frail, constructed boxes at the end of it. Boxes made of glass, where Eddie can see the reflection of himself loathing the barriers between them.

Most of the time, Eddie forgets that there  _ is  _ a line. He forgets that he can’t just pull Buck into his side, can’t kiss him when he wants, can’t tell Buck to spend the night with him in his bed. 

But there’s been the hope in Buck’s eyes, and this spurs Eddie on. He knows that same hope is reflected in him, because all he’s ever wanted is to be enough for someone, for someone to not look past his shortcomings, but not see him as any less for them. 

Buck is all of those things, and more.

Eddie stares down into the pile of Shannon’s things he’s dug out of his closet, the very ones that sent him spiraling down with the insecurities that tip him this way and that. 

The box contains everything, neatly folded into place. The clothes she’d been wearing, her jewelry, the form with Eddie’s shaking signature...two flowers he’d taken from the funeral to put in the box.

They were dried now, but their scent had been left behind on the cotton fabric, in the musty smell of the wooden box. If he concentrates, he can even scent the flowery perfume Shannon used to use, the one that sat in its little glass bottle on their vanity for years.

The last time Eddie tried to do this, he’d been left with nothing but a wish for divorce. He’d read everything wrong, and lost the woman that’d held his heart for the better part of a decade...that still holds part of him. Hell, he’d lost her even before she’d died.

Eddie can’t even count the mistakes he’s made on one hand, because every time he thinks of it, he thinks of another thing he’d been doing wrong. There had been multiple facets to their anger and discontent with one another, but Eddie knows that he’d been the one to tip his marriage into precarity first. No matter how much he’s come to terms with the fact that they’d both made mistakes, he also knows that there’s always a starting point. 

And sometimes, that start point leads miles past the end line, without ever circling back to where the beginning was.

He’s terrified of making the same mistakes with Buck.

Inside, no matter how many therapy sessions he’s taken, no matter how many ways he’s avoided discussing the nature of his relationship with his best friend, Eddie knows that if soulmates exist, Buck’s his. He’s been his partner in every shape and form since the day Eddie met him, and in his head, he knows that he’s been that person for Buck, too. He trusts that the bond that they’ll build will be on much more solid foundation.

Eddie gingerly closes the box, sliding it back on the shelf in his closet. As he turns to shut the door, he catches sight of two articles of clothing he doesn’t remember buying. Tugging one out, he instantly recognizes the printed pattern on the hoodie as Buck’s. The second is a jacket Eddie now recalls having been left here, having thrown it in haphazardly into the rest of the laundry.

A smile tugs at his lips at the sight of it, but quickly drops when the previous thoughts accost him again, taking away the small shred of happiness this measly thing brought him.

Hell, the man’s stuff is sitting in  _ his  _ closet.

Irritated with himself and his inability to force the one thing he wants from his throat, Eddie shuts the door louder than he intends to, wincing when the loud crack reverberates through his room. He stays still for several seconds, keeping an ear out for Christopher’s stirring.

When he hears nothing, he pads over to his window, staring out at his moonlit backyard. Sleep evades him more often than not some nights, and tonight is one of those nights where sleep doesn’t come at all.

Tonight, his poison of choice is to think about all the reasons he won’t step over the line with Evan Buckley.

Eddie has been called many things in his life. He’s been called a soldier, came back to the title of war hero, has been a husband, father, somebody’s partner, a firefighter.

Somewhere in the middle, Eddie knows he’s lost track of himself, of the things he needs, of the things he’s wanted out of life. He’s lost track of what  _ Eddie  _ once stood for, only barely clutching to the values that have kept him alive to this day. 

In all the turns his life has taken, he’s lost sight of where the original track once was.

He doesn’t regret it. How can he, when these life changes are the ones that have taught him to be the man he is now, the ones that have given him his son? That have given him a sense of purpose in the moments that Eddie thought he’d never do anything else?

But other than that, Eddie doesn’t remember the last time his wants were separate from his family’s. He doesn’t remember the last time he did something purely for himself.

He also knows how much Christopher adores Buck, knows the unyielding affection Buck showers Chris with. Buck stepping into a parental role feels like it would be a lot more natural than Eddie can fathom right now, and that in itself settles one requirement he has for bringing someone into his son’s life.

Despite the bond Buck and Christopher share, Eddie’s love for Buck is something that’s only his, brought about by nothing but a product of all the qualities that make the man who he is. 

He’s not stupid, and he’s not naïve. He knows that if he takes this step with Buck, their makeshift family will only get stronger, the tentative threads that start with sharing a closet will only weave tighter around them. 

It’s always felt a little inevitable for Eddie to fall in love with him. As if their story couldn’t end anywhere else — even if it hasn’t really started yet.

In his head, he  _ knows  _ Buck feels the same. He’s seen his own longing and desire reflected on Buck’s face more times than he cares to count. It’s his heart that needs convincing, that it’s not just wishful thinking, that he’s not just projecting his own love onto his best friend with some silent expectation that he feel the same.

He’d gone over to Buck’s tonight after promising himself that he was going to use his words, let Buck know how he feels. Then he’d taken one look at the routine they’d built, one look at the wide grin on his son’s face, one look at the soft expression on Buck’s, and opted straight out.

He can count on one hand the number of times he’s felt the same visceral fear as he had sitting on Buck’s couch. Just the thought of losing what he already sends him deep into a pit of terror.

Eddie sighs, scrubbing a hand down his face as he turns away from the window. The night could’ve turned out so much differently if Eddie had just done what he’d set out to do. 

But maybe this is a blessing in disguise — maybe he isn’t as ready as he thought he was.

Instead, he slips back into bed, setting another goal for himself. If he’s going to give Buck the things he deserves, he needs to make sure that he’s ready for them, too. 

With that in mind, he closes his eyes.

This time, he’s playing the long game.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on Tumblr at [zeethebooknerd](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/zeethebooknerd) or on Twitter at [tkreyesevandiaz](https://twitter.com/tkreyesevandiaz).


End file.
